Sunday, April 29, 2012

diptych: the college experience plus depressing stuff

I guess I should say something instead of just posting pictures all week. I'm really having that spread-too-thin feeling lately. Not that I'm tired or 'worn out', it's that I can't seem to put myself one hundred percent into anything mentally, and so everything is half-assed or three-quarters-assed, depending on the day and how many snacks I have. I hate feeling that I could be doing better at things but I'm not for no particular reason.

Things seem depressing; a lot of my friends are going through very big harsh things, the weather has gone back to grey West-coast drizzle, I'm making lots of money but then having to spend it on overdue bills and probably a vet visit soon because Tank has a new lump on his tail*. My feet hurt again too, which is just icing on the lame-week cake.

Death is stuck in my head in a loop, it started on Monday in class when my professor reenacted her mother's death for us so we would know what real death looks like** and I can't seem to shake it out.  So of course Tank's lump is freaking me out.  And now I feel like the entire medical field is not for me because it's all about terrible things that can and will happen to you. Which leads me down a rabbit hole of once again questioning my choices bla bla bla.

On a walk home I was comparing the things I love (writing and languages) to the things that I'm learning now (diseases and guts) and how the former is all about life and sharing and ideas, and the latter seems to be all about horror and futile prevention methods and looking mortality in the face.

Don't let me catch you feeling sorry for me though, I've got a wonderful life. I just need to push through this last bit of class, take some midol, stay off my feet a bit and work out what my next step should be. Life planning is tough sometimes. Especially when everything seems to mean more and more very expensive pay-upfront-type school.And some of the options include a required course on "interpersonal skills for health care workers" which basically sounds like my personal hell.

So in conclusion...I haven't been writing much lately because it's just been a bunch of this kind of thing floating around my head and I didn't want you to all get sad or worry or be bored of reading about my feelings.

*It's probably nothing, no cause to worry yet. It's probably a lipoma. ***

**It's not at all like the movies, much scarier. Also? WHO DOES THAT?

*** Look at me, using school terms in real life.

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