OW, my feelings!

Merry Chrizizzle

Found here.

Q:Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

A:Because it's pointless!

deer family

Yesterday morning I burst out the front door as usual: fiddling with my iPod, tugging my shirt down, still trying to get my shoe all the way on my foot, holding out a hand to feel if it really was raining or just another grey grey day. I always do this. I leave leaving to the very last second. Especially when Ryan's actually around in the morning. Usually I have to leave before he wakes up, or he's just getting home and falling straight into bed from his graveyard shift at the residential group home for disabled adults, exhausted.

Yesterday he was up and we were having coffee together. Probably holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes. You know, regular boyfriend-girlfriend stuff.

So of course I was ... not late, exactly. Just...so close to being late that I had to speed-walk most of the way to the bus stop and hope I don't see it drive by when I'm like thirty steps away like it always seems to do.

I put my earbuds in my ears, and put the songs on shuffle. Please be something good, I thought. Sometimes I let the iPod give me the soundtrack to my day, I'm not allowed to change the song. It's a game where the music determines the mood of my day and creates my own personal music video.

Stevie Wonder. Yes!

Just then, I noticed a movement out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was probably just the super annoying kid from across the street who goes through our recycling box (?) and "Plays" with his dog right outside our bedroom window every time Ryan is trying to sleep. (By 'plays' I mean 'holds a stick in the air and yells get it. Get it. Get it. and the dog barks and barks.' It's super awesome.)

I turned and looked, with my best glaring face on.

No, not the neighbor kid. Instead it was...A DEER FAMILY!
I froze. And then said "HOLY SHIT" out loud. That's how surprised I was. And scared.

No, wait. Not...scared. I'm not scared of deer. That's ridiculous. In fact, when I worked on the bee-farm they made me carry a whip to hit the deer who were eating the strawberries with and yeah, I might have whipped a deer or two. And chased them with quads. Which they are not afraid of for some reason. I practically ran one over one time. It was just like "WTF?" and looked at me like I was the crazy one. Which I was.

Anyway...I was...surprised. And so I shouted swearwords of surprise. And they were also like "WTF?" and just kinda stared at me.


And then I did the most rational thing ever. I took pictures of them while simultaneously phoning Ryan to tell him about the deer and how I was scare...no, SURPRISED by them.

In the meantime they moved on, because apparently deer are too cool to hang out with someone as cool and calm as I was.



Ryan was largely unimpressed with my phone call. He was laughing, and I'm pretty sure it was at me, not with me.

After the deer turned the corner back towards the woods behind our house, I kept walking. Stevie was over and it was Radiohead. The day turned greyer and the mood was melancholy beautiful. I mean, yeah...I saw deer after hands holding and coffee. And I was wearing the radical new hoodie Ryan bought for himself but then realized it was a woman's hoodie after he got it home and it just happened to fit me. And it's grey which is my favorite color to wear.
So yeah, it was a pretty alright kinda morning.

About half-way to the bus stop, my bag started vibrating. (That's what he said) The call display said 'call if found' which is code for 'my house', you know, in case I lose my telephone, right? SMRT.

I thought it was gonna be Ryan, but when I answered I got a... SURPRISE.

Me: Hello? (smiling)

Caller: (weird voice, kind of like bullwinkle the moose) Hello, is this Nova?

Me: (laugh) Yes.

Caller: Hello Nova, my name is mister deer.

Me: (double laugh) How'd you get this number?

Caller: I just phoned to tell you not to be scared of me and my family!

Me: (laugh more) Oh! Thanks for calling.

Caller: You're welcome! I have to go now, but remember, don't be scared of me and my family!

Me: Okay! Thanks!

Caller: Bye. Don't be scared of us!

Me: I won't! Bye!

And I couldn't stop laughing to myself like a crazy person all the way to the bus stop. Hope nobody saw me!

fact:

I've found that the amount of tattoos I have showing directly affects how much people flirt with me. I'm about ready to bust out a parka and stirrup pants.

letter to my finger

Dear left index finger tip,

Hey, how ya doin, little buddy?

Wow, you've had a tough couple of days, huh?

Listen. I'm really really sorry about that whole incident in the shower. I was just in such a hurry to shave my legs...looking back I can't even figure out how it happened. One minute you were fine and the next you were missing a chunk.

What were you doing in the way in the first place? Why were you even there?

At least I only shaved off part of the nail. You didn't even bleed. It was kind of funny, in retrospect.

But what this letter is really about is what happened yesterday at work. Once again, I don't really know what happened. One minute I'm folding a piece of paper and the next you are bleeding everywhere.

How did the paper slice you right under the nail?

I mean I've had paper cuts before, but UNDER THE NAIL? That's like a total freak accident.

Anyway I'm sorry about all of that.

So can you please stop hurting when I type?

Thanks a million!

Your pal,
Nova

you don't see that every day

The eve is Halloween. Candy Corn and that Monster Mash song are in the air. I'm walking home, in a shitty mood because I just saw three sexy troll dolls on the bus, complete with tall hair and booty shorts, and part of me was envious of the costume.
I'm costume-less because I left my skeleton costume at work for one of the guys to wear to the bar.

I walk in the door and see Darth Vader trying to get Papa Smurf and the Grim Reaper to hold still for a photo. Darth turns around when I come in the door and asks

"Did you see my bum?"

To which I reply "Um...what? No?"

Darth leads me outside to where the new un-moldy jack-o-lanterns sits at the end of the driveway. Yes. He had carved one to look like it was mooning passers-by.

"Nice," I say, laughing.

...

Moments later they left to join the neighbor kids in trick or treating. I sat down to enjoy some mashed potatoes, and then Darth came running back into the house, laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"You have to come outside and see my pumpkin"

"Uhh I just did"

"No, you have to see it from the road"

"Why?"

"Just come on, you can put my slippers on. Nobody's out there"

"Fine"

and I went. And oh. my. gosh.
It has a vagina. With herpes.



So of course we left it out with pride, and later, when Darth, Papa Smurf and the Grim Reaper returned, Darth said he saw three men taking pictures of it.

"I can't wait to show the guys at the office!" Said one.

And this is why we are awesome.

I should just wear this every day.

Today Ryan and i went to the thrift store to drop off some things for needy people. You know, like our old bent cd rack, children's books with some of the pages scribbled on, and that video camera that takes cassette tapes. Things they really need.

We're benevolent like that.

Well, this particular store places no value on books at all, which is great news for me because i value them highly. So I wanted to look at the books. Ryan was willing to give me a few minutes.
I found Watership Down for 69 cents.
and One Flew Over the Cucoo's Nest. wait. how do you spell cuckoo? ah, there we go.

So then I was all "I found four books i wanted for less than three dollars! score!"
to Ryan but he was all the way across the store looking at something blue and red and fuzzy.

Was it was some kind of santa hat?

No.

It was A PAPA SMURF COSTUME!

Yes. really. Can you believe it? I still can't really.

And, on top of that, because it is so near Halloween, it was half price.
Regular price was nine bucks.

Duuuude. As soon as we got home I put that sucker on, and we had a photo shoot, haha.
It was way too small for me, especially in the butt-area. I think it was made for a ten year old boy, but WHO CARES? It is awesome.

PROOF:
(I didn't really know what smurfs do, so I was just kind of standing around and then picked up a rock. And then I found a mushroom...the rock one makes me laugh every time i see it)

a joke

the neighbor's kid told me a joke yesterday and he totally got me! it goes like this:

___________

joketeller:

a little boy lives in a house with only three rooms. he goes into the first room where his mom is doing the dishes.

"you're doing that wrong", he tells her

"no i'm not" says the mom

"yes you are" says the boy

and the mom slaps him in the face and says "don't correct me!"

the boy leaves and goes into the second room. his dad is in the second room ironing his pants.

"you aren't ironing those right", says the boy

"yes i am" says the dad

"no you're not" says the boy

and the dad slaps the boy in the face, saying "don't correct me!"

and then the boy goes into the second room...


victim (aka me, in this case):

uh, don't you mean the third room?

joketeller:

(slaps victim in the face) "DON'T CORRECT ME!"


____________


yeah. the kid totally slapped me in the face. but it was funny.