an open letter to my asshole of a cat

Dear asshole cat,

Sometimes I really enjoy your company, as you can be almost thirty pounds of raw snuggle power. You're just big enough that I can full-out hug you without damaging any of your internal organs too much, and when you purr, it rattles the walls. In a good way.

Why can't you always be sweet?

I overlooked the exercise-phobia. And the outside-phobia. And the child-phobia. And the stranger-phobia. And your weird leaky eyes that look like you're crying blood.

We eventually got over your almost attacking and killing one of Ryan's kids a few times. You were just frightened I guess, and I mean, he was...walking quietly past you minding his own business. Terrifying, I know.

I got used to being bit and scratched randomly. I learned where to pet you (and more importantly where to not pet you).

We weaned you off ruining all the furniture with your seemingly un-retractable claws and got used to living with the bedroom door never fully closed to avoid the destruction of the carpets.

But this?

Waking us up at 5am every morning because your food dish is empty?

Yeah. That has to stop. Sure, I started it last year, by getting up at that hour in order to get some work done before leaving to catch the 7:40 bus, but it's over, cat. School-time is over. Get it into your stupid head.

Nobody likes 5am.

Your techniques for waking me up are becoming ruthless. The meowing was to be expected. And the little mini-marathon between the bed and the dish, back and forth, back and forth. I could sleep through that. And if you tried the old claws to the face or the cute little headbuts I could easily push you off the bed.

But then the vomiting came.

STOP FUCKING PUKING ON THE CARPET WHEN YOU DON'T GET YOUR WAY.

It is such a dick move, cat.

But even that wasn't enough for you, was it? No, because we would just shout at you from the bed to get into the kitchen or something, throw our pillows and then fall back asleep.

But this? Your final solution? It's the worst of all. Where did you learn your impressive torture methods?

The licking. AAAGH I CAN'T STAND THAT SOUND. And hiding under the bed where I can't easily kill you and maintain my comfy warm position in the blankets? Well, that's genius.

How did you know mouth noises are my only weakness?

You got me this time, cat but you're not going to win forever. I will prevail, and I WILL sleep until six or maybe even seven in the morning!

Don't be surprised if you find me with ear plugs. Then what will you do?


You're screwed, cat. Just let me sleep.


p.s. Don't expect any lap cuddles this evening. You're on notice.