Victoria the not-so beautiful.

Alright, okay, even the seedy parts of Victoria are pretty charming. 

And now for a funny story. The other day I overheard a conversation in which two people were discussing horse races. One of the guys said he always thought jockeys were a lesser subspecies of the human race. After being accused of being some kind of racist he declared that we should all know what he means, because "they're all so small and have pointy ears and everything."

Um...he confused jockeys with ELVES. hahahhahah

The funniest story of the year.

I can't even think of this story Ryan told me on New Year's Eve without completely cracking up. Even when I'm on the bus. How embarrassing.

---

So it all started with us mixing up some NYE 'wizard's brew' with the kids. For the record, Wizard's Brew is not as awesome as it sounds, it's just ginger ale, orange juice and sparkling orange juice. And a little magic. The kids did get to take turns pouring the juice and pop* though and that's soooooooo fun, right? And they got to pour as much as they wanted of each ingredient, you know? Great times.

We talked about the fun-level at some length as the potion mixing was going on, and the conversation reminded me of this one time when I was eleven or twelve, when I got in really big trouble for mixing up all the different shampoos and conditioners we had in the bathroom.

For the record, I was trying to do the world a favor by making the perfect shampoo. It had to smell nice, have a pretty color and save you time by washing and conditioning your hair at once. It was a lot of hard work...measuring with the various shampoo caps, pouring out excess, mixing with my index finger...etcetera.

I knew I shouldn't be doing my amazing laboratory-grade experiments with my mother's cosmetics so when I failed to make a shampoo worthy of human trials, I tried to discard the evidence by pouring it down the sink. You guys, have you ever tried to pour an entire bottle of shampoo down a sink drain? It does not pour right down. It pools, and heaven help you if you turn on the tap to try and wash it down...and that's when my mom walked in.

The kids were full of questions. What kind of shampoo did I use? Did it cost a lot of money? How did I clean up the shampoo in the end? Did I feel bad? Oh yes, kids, I was full of remorse. I still am. You should never ever ever waste shampoo like that. 

What I didn't tell the kids was that when she asked what I was doing I shouted "It's rotten! The shampoo is too old," like I was doing the family a favor by dumping litres of shampoo down the sink. Needless to say I got in big trouble and that's the end of that story. I remember it very clearly though, I must have been terrified out of my wits at the time.

Well anyway, my story reminded Ryan of this...the funniest story I have ever heard. 

His parents used to buy ten-packs of Irish Spring soap, in bar form, and for a while when he was maybe ten or eleven years old, suddenly the soap was going missing at an alarming rate. Because he spent hours trying to perfect the Irish Springs soap-cut.

Yes, that's right. Ryan thought that this guy looked so cool he locked himself in the bathroom with a butter knife and tried whittling long slices of green soap into the garbage can. AAAHHAHAHA it's too funny, I can't even.

*Yes, pop. I get so self-conscious about my Canadian-isms sometimes here because I know that over half of my readers are Americans. But 'soda' just doesn't feel right to me. So there you go.

The hilarious conversations you have in bed...

Lying in bed a while ago, Ryan and I were talking about the natures of our housepets. We decided to pair them up with celebrities who matched their demeanors best. I can't remember the criteria we set but we were laughing pretty hard when we came up with their celebrity twins.

Yeti is a chubby Meryl Streep.

And Tank is John Goodman.

We went out on Saturday. The end of the night got kinda weird.

Ryan and I went to a dubstep show on Saturday. Yeah, you heard right. At least I think it was dubstep. I get totally lost every time someone starts talking musical subgenres. And I'll be honest, I went into the show with a super negative attitude; if there's not guitars, punching and yelling I'm usually not anywhere near live music. But Ryan really likes these guys, and he promised to buy me drinks so we went together.

I was pleasantly surprised. It's still not really my cup'o'tea but it wasn't terrible, and there were way less hippies than I was expecting. Here's some examples of the music...PK Sound did the sound, and if you don't know who they are then never mind, but they're like, the best sound guys in Canada. So imagine this music louder than any music you've ever heard live. It's kind of heavy and evil sounding.

This is Mark Instinct (who I actually thought was kind of cool):

 

This is Subvert (who I didn't care for, we left halfway through his set...just too dance-music-y):

Here's a picture of us watching Mark Instinct. We're way up on the balcony. There's a bar up there and a phenomenal view. But uh, it looks like I was more interested in talking to Ryan, haha. We stayed up there most of the night because everywhere else was completely packed with people dancing way too hard and/or slutty. I was scared. :)

We were offered MDMA like a thousand times at that show. I guess that's the cool thing to do these days? And I was all like "Hugs, not drugs." A local graffiti guy, PESTO, designed the stage, it's hard to tell from this photo but it's built out of a bunch of tree branches and in the back there were dancers?

Photo stolen from Charlotte Dobre's facebook pics. 

She is a fantastic photographer by the way! Check out her website HERE. 

She has the best job. Ever.

 

Here are some random conversations I overheard/was part of that night:

---

(Standing in line to go into the show, there were 20 year old boys behind us who kept somehow butting in front of us, one by one, and were talking over our heads.)

Boy 1: Remember that party at Jeff's house? And you had that Garbage Pail Kids jacket on? That was hilarious.

Boy 2: Garbage Pa...no, that wasn't me.

Boy 1: No, yeah. I'm pretty sure it was.

Boy 2: Listen, I'm pretty sure I'd remember having a Garbage Pail kids jacket.

Boy 1: Oh wait, no, it wasn't you. That was Ian (insert last name of guy I know here)

Me: LOL (Because of course he has a Garbage Pail Kids jacket, why wouldn't he?)

Boy 1: (To Ryan and I) Hey do you girls have a pen in your purse?

Me: (Glaring at him, because um, Ryan's a man and I didn't even have a damn purse.)

Ryan: Oh yeah, I think I saw one at the back of the line!

Boy 1: (Oblivious) Huh. Well thanks anyway.

---

(Outside, 2AM-ish, Ryan and I were just about to leave when we ran into our hilarious friend who was just on his way back in to find somebody. He wants to smoke a cigarette and we decide to stand with him and wait for a taxi to drive by. A kid in a t-shirt walks up to us.)

Kid: Why are you outside? Don't you like the music?

Ryan: Yeah man, but I don't like the direction Subvert is taking the music (technical words I don't understand).

Me: Not really.(I'm tired and kind of grouchy because 50 taxis are pulling up, looking at us and leaving.)

Kid: (Turns to me.) WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE DUBSTEP? What do you like? Hakuna Matata?

Me: Hahaha. Yep. That's what I like. 

Kid: You guys have a light? 

Me: (Picking up a matchbook off the sidewalk with one match left in it.) Here ya go.

Kid: Thanks. 

Ryan: You only have ONE CHANCE!

Friend of ours: Yeah! Light it or you have to suck our dicks.

Me: (WTF look on my face)

Ryan: (Laughing) (He had a lot more to drink than I did)

Kid: Well....how about just his? (Gestures to Ryan.)

Me: You're considering it?

Kid: My girlfriend just had an abortion and we broke up.

Us all: (Tugging on our collars, Simpsons style, because suddenly he's not so funny.)

---

(In the taxi home)

Taxi driver: I'm just glad you guys are like, normal people for once.

Ryan: Yeah I bet you get drunk assholes all the time.

Taxi driver: Don't even get me started.

(We sit in silence for a minute.)

Taxi Driver: You wouldn't believe the week I've had.

Me: Oh, really?

Taxi driver: Yeah. Fucking crazy.

Me: Mmhm?

Taxi driver: Like, the worst week of my life.

Ryan: What happened?

Taxi driver: You don't even want to know.

(We sit in silence for a minute.)

Taxi driver: I really need to get this off my chest. Can I tell you guys something?

Ryan: Sure, man.

Me: Yeah, totally. What's up?

Taxi driver: My friend, well no, not my friend. This guy I know from a long time back...you know when it was snowing a few weeks ago? 

Me: Yeah.

Taxi driver: Well I found out he had nowhere to stay, he was on the streets, so I told him he could come stay with me. You know, do something nice for the guy.

Ryan: Mhm.

Taxi driver: So anyway he was just like, staying on my couch and then one day he was gone and the cops come to my door at like eight in the morning and it turns out he fucking murdered somebody and they had him in custody and they want me to come in for questioning. 

Me: Wait, what?

Taxi driver: And I mean, like he woke up one morning in my house, went out, fucking murdered somebody, came back and then I took him shopping at Walmart.

Ryan: Uh...

Taxi driver: It was like, he walked in just as I was leaving and I said "Hey I'm going to the store" and he was like "Can I come with you? I need to pick up a few things." And then we went shopping together just like everything was normal. How can I ever trust anybody ever again?

Me: Uh...holy shit.

Taxi driver: And now they want me to go to court at eight in the morning as like, a witness. I never get out of bed until like two in the afternoon, I'm gonna be all tired in court. Well, here we are, you guys have a good night. 

Me: Yeah. Good luck with that...murder...investigation...

---

Also? That murder happened in my neighborhood. Sweet.

I got mail! And it's hilarious/offensive! And confusing. Help!

 My friend Sam was in China. Now, when I say "my friend Sam" I mean "that guy who was stuck in the same hostel dorm room with me in Mexico City for a few days when I was super sick". We both have blogs, and we are facebook and Twitter friends, so we've managed to keep in touch for almost three years now. Anyway so he's this total world-travellery type guy, and was in China recently.

I saw on the Twitter that he was willing to send people presents from China and I was all like "hell yes, send me something crazy". And he did!

My present came yesterday...

AWESOME TERRIBLE

There is a post card as well. I especially like the part about 

"the late and great mass murder(er)" haha.

 What is it?

No, really what is it? 

He won't tell me and I'm assuming it has something to do with drugs because it's a tiny spoon and that's what I think of when I see tiny spoons I guess. But maybe it's not. Do any of you know what the heck this thingy is?

 

Anyway, thanks Sam! I hate love it.

Halloween is over but I love these photos from Galey Farms and you have to look at them now because I said so.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. 

Yes, that includes Christmas. 

There's something about candy combined with creepy Halloween decorations, haunted houses, corn mazes and ... other weird crap ... my favorite thing on earth is the juxtaposition between cute and creepy. (That must also be why I like artists like Mark Ryden so much as well!)

That's also what makes me love Galey Farms more and more every year. 

It's totally silly, it's crazy, it's so much fun!

Basically it's the can't-miss place to be in October. I have no idea what they do the rest of the year but I know you can go there and get a pumpkin or whatever in the daytime. Isn't it cheerful?

Images from here here here and here.

But you really want to go at night. Trust me. They have a pretty huge corn maze you can walk through, they have kids train rides, and they have haunted houses; one for kids (which is actually kind of scary) and an adult one (called carnEVIL, lol!) that costs an extra ten bucks to get into. 

I went into carnEVIL one year with Ryan and a friend of ours to surprise her for her birthday and ... yeah it was actually kind of terrifying. We actually ran through, pushing Ryan ahead of us and screaming.It's very well done.

They also have little dioramas set up of creepy scenarios all around the farm. Some of them you have to take the train to see, some of them you will find by exploring the corn maze.

CHECK OUT SOME PHOTOS I TOOK

 on October 30th. 

 (excuse the blurry ones, I refused to use flash the entire night)

1. Random shots 

2. View from the very middle of the corn maze. 

As you can see, there is a gigantic sphinx. Here it is up close.

And inside it...MUMMIES!

2. The 'graveyard' can be found by walking to the very end of the corn maze. It features a whole lot of wailing and things jumping (very comically) out of the ground and a wishing well. Also? Weird shadowy figures in the distance. 

3. The train ride. You buy your ticket and line up for sometimes up to half an hour. There's nothing particularly scary on the ride, but it is rather creepy. The train tracks run around the whole place. There's trees decorated with Christmas lights, the pitch black pumpkin patch, a man in a monkey suit that jumps onto the side of the train and grabs children, an entire old-West town, and...well... and more. Here's some of the stuff we saw from the train.

4. My personal favorite, the 'dioramas'. You walk through a sort of 'town' constructed out of old sheds, and in each one there's a little scene going on. For example, the butcher shop, a restaurant, the blood bank, and more! It's so funny and there's so much to look at. I love this place! 

This is also where the kids haunted house is. 

So great, right? It's just the perfect balance between silly and scary.

p.s. 
If none of those pictures creeped you out, then check this out!

AAAGH!

And it begins again. Hockey.

Disclaimer: I totally don't get hockey pools and don't know the correct terminology and/or the way teams and grouping goes. Bear with me, hockey fans.

Ryan: Hahaha

Me: What?

Ryan: This one team in my hockey pool, is named "Ian has"

Me: Go on. (feigning interest)

Ryan: And then the next team is named "Penis Breath" and then the next one is named "And Balls on his Chin". Come see! It's funny.

Me: Okay! (walks over to his computer and looks) Ha ha! That is funny! Oh...and the group they're in is called "Our Wives Take it Fist Deep".

Ryan: Yeah!

Me: Ha...ha? Wait, I wonder if their wives kno...ARE YOU ON THAT TEAM?

Ryan: No! I'm Darth Skater, I'm there with "the Cobras".

Me: Awesome.


Hockey talk runs wild in our house 8-12 months of the year. It's insane. I'm considering learning all the player's names and watching every single game so I know what these conversations are about because honestly? I'm confused like 40 percent of the time Ryan is around his kids. Out of nowhere they're like:

"Hey papa, is Hockey McPlayerson a better defense than Puckman Shootsalot?"

"Hey, they said the year 1927 on T.V. That's the same year that Iceface Toothsmissing got that goal in Russia when they were playing against the Chicago Polar Bears, and then he was traded in 1931 for exactly this sum of money in September."

"Do you wanna trade my rookie Skateguy Jerseyson for Roofdaddy Gretzky? His statistics are exactly..."

Etcetera. It's insane. They know every single thing about every single guy. And I'm all like "whaaat?" or when it's the kids I say something like "Good memory" and pat them on the head and then turn back to my laptop cuz that's how I roll.

Just kidding but man...hockey. Everywhere.
My little brother just made it to the AAA hockey league. Which is awesome, it's kind of like the first step to going further with hockey, if you know what I'm saying.

I don't even know what I'm saying.

Evidence:

Me: What's that hockey thing Jaden made it to?

Ryan: ...what?

Me: You know, that good level? Of hockey?

Ryan: Triple A

Me: And how do I say that?

Ryan: Three A's. Like, A. A. A.

Me: Yeah but is it like "triple A level"? Or like, "triple A team"?

Ryan: (sighs) League.

Me: Oh yeah, thanks! (bats eyelashes, thinks of unicorns)

Anyone else living with hockey crazed lunatics?

I love it when things are taken too literally.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN!

xoxoxo

Ryan is the kind of guy who will say "I don't know." when you ask him what he wants for his birthday. Or he'll say "Just spend time with me." or something equally sweet and not good enough for my consumerist spirit. So this year after sweating over what to get the guy who lies and says he wants nothing, I got him...a mural.



On one of the busiest streets in downtown Victoria.

It's been up for eight days now and he has yet to see it in real life, but like ten thousand million other people have seen it. Which I think is hilarious.

A friend of my friends painted it. I think he did a wonderful job.

EE! I've always wanted someone to shout me out on a wall somewhere. This is close enough. I'M SO FAMOUS NOW.

You may have noticed the speech balloon that says "Clover Feild". Yeah well, it's this retarded inside joke that's gone way too far with Ryan and I. One time, we were watching the Academy Awards like a day or two after having been terribly disappointed with the movie Cloverfield, and I said all sarcastically that I was surprised that Cloverfield didn't win Best Picture or something like that.

Well, the next thing you know, it's become the running joke of our lives. We'll surprise each other by writing the word "Cloverfield" on things, or we'll say it in a creepy voice to each other over the phone or jump out of the shadows to scare each other shouting "Cloverfield" or whatever.

And the funny thing about the word "field" is how everybody naturally spells it wrong. Have you noticed? So yeah, when I was telling my painter friend what I wanted in the mural I asked him if he could make it "say Cloverfield" somewhere on it.

And he made it SAY Cloverfield. In a speech balloon. Like it's literally saying it! With the funny spelling! HAHA!

Too awesome.

We're going down there to check it out tonight. And take more pictures. And then go out for dinner at a vegan restaurant that rules beyond your wildest dreams. You don't even know.

My birthday is coming up soon. I asked for cheesecake.