I am dying of happy right now.

Welp, recently the free computer I got from my boss has been failing me. Not only is the cord that goes from the wall to the computer totally frayed and seconds from electrocuting me every single day, but now the internet just randomly shuts off, it needs a new battery, it takes like an hour to turn on after I push the button and ... yeah. Other things I forget right now, but like, annoying things like not having enough memory all the time and going all slow and the internet just randomly closing while I'm in the middle of stuff .(oops, said that twice, it must really bother me) Anyway, so ... I just applied for a like thousand year payment plan with Dell. For a new computer. A brand-stinkin'-new computer. ALL FOR ME!

It's justified because I NEED IT now. You know, for all my career goals I never talk about on here. But they exist you guys, and I have them, and they needed a new computer. They asked for one for their birthday.

I went for one of these...I'm sure it's more than I'll ever need. And no, I can't afford it. Or ... maybe I can?  But either way I'm on the hook now and I'mmma have it in like two weeks! YES!

*scared*

*excited*

*dying*

So yesterday was pretty rad!

I mean...the weather was crap. Frickin' monsoon-like rain and near zero temperatures, and wind. Oh the wind.It was c-c-c-cold out.And that's coming from someone who takes pride in being able to weather the...weather...you know what I mean.

But I was distracted...I was on my way to get my chest tattooed. I was more nervous than you can imagine. Like, more nervous than for any tattoo I have ever gotten before, really! I guess because everybody I have ever talked to about it has made crazy pain faces even at the mention of it, and so many people have said it was the most painful tattoo they've ever gotten.

In actuality, mostly because I was prepared for it, it wasn't so bad. It still hurt, don't get me wrong, but it was like, just another tattoo kind of hurt. Also? I took like three advil just before we started which probably had something to do with it. :)

I don't want to put pictures of the entire thing up here, because you know how people are with stealing crap from the internet, and it's not finished yet...I just feel really protective over it. And Colin hates the internet...I'd be so bummed if someone stole his hard work.  Here are a couple sort of semi-pictures of it with really fancy watermarks, haha.

They're not the best pictures but you can get the general idea of what it's going to be like anyway. On the other shoulder it meets up with my mummy/My Little Pony sleeve and goes kind of behind the mummy's head. Thanks a billion COLIN! I feel all proud, it's so pretty and he has been working like fourteen hour days every day for the past two weeks. It was so nice of him to fit me into his schedule.

---

After I left the tattoo shop, I went to the photo place and picked up some photos I dropped off a few days ago. I have finally figured out my lomography fisheye camera! This time the majority of my photos actually worked out, which is great news. Usually they're underexposed or my hand was covering the flash or something. This bunch of  photos totally ruled. Here's a preview:

Pretty good, right? I'm going to be posting more throughout the next month or two. 

 ---

And so I took the bus home wearing a ridiculous chest bandage...I put a couple pictures of it on my Tumblr here. Check it out for a laugh. I looked ridiculous in that v-neck sweater and a big blue thing taped to my chest. I went to the grocery store looking like that because getting tattooed turns me into a ravenous freak. A couple chocolate bars made it into my grocery basket...the cashier asked if I was going to eat both of them myself, and I smiled and told her "As soon as I get home" and she said

"You go girl."

Hahaha. Yes. I do go. I eat two chocolate bars whenever I want. Girl power!

When I got home I found mother effin' TOMS shoes waiting for me. They must have come in the mail while I was out. I tried them on and they fit like a glove. I know everyone on the internet keeps saying how great they are, but I'm going to add my voice to the chorus...AMAAAAAZING!

What a great day!

I don't have time this morning for the full story of Havana...here's a few pictures from the market.

Yeah. Um...Heaven? All there was as far as the eye could see was antique cameras, jewelry and books. I've made a mental note to return to Cuba and just go shopping. Seriously.

A Very Etsy Christmas

Since, as you all know very well by now, I am on vacation for a couple weeks, I was trying to think of things to post about that had a Christmas feel. And as we all love hand made arts and crafts ever so much, I was like "Hey, what about Etsy?"

Well yeah. There are some fantastic things on there. Like this hat for example. I would wear the shit out of this hat from the 24th to the 26th. No joke. I love this!

Candy cane hat found here.

And this card is really super cool: funny with a touch of nerd is the best kind of comedy.

 Merry X-terminate card. Rad.

And there was a lot of stuff I would buy ironically because they're funny if I were feeling impulsive:

Cat statue from here, awesome dog-snowman pin from here.

But then...there are...well, you'll see.

1. The animal clothes. MY EYES! NOOO!

1 "Candy Cane Dreams" dress   2  You can get 30% off this one. 

3 "Christmas Trees Tutu Harness Dog Dress" 

featured in the Martha Stewart 2010 Holiday Gift Guide.  

4 "Candy Cane Dog Sweater"   5 Lovely Warm Doggie Sweater.

 6  Holiday BUTT COVERS for your pets! No more unsightly anuses.

2.The tree decorations. Oh the humanity!

 1 Bacon Ornament  2 Pride Vagina Ornament 

3 Turd Ball Ornament 4 "Elmer-Mini Marble Friend" 

5 "Whimsical" Finger Ornament

3. Basically you can put a Santa hat on anything these days
and get away with it.

 1.Alien Christmas Ornament 2. Christmas Eyeball earrings 3. Star Trek Holiday Cards 

4.Santa's Brain Christmas Ornament 5.The Jolly Wookiee Cross Stitch

4. Weird soap. Have you ever wanted soap with diseases in it?

Black Salmonella soap. 

How about (Communist?) barbed wire soap?

"real Christmas soap for real Christmas extreme" found here

5. One of the most perplexing trends of all is the zombie and/or evil Christmas ornament. Really? Like the Santa brain tree ornament wasn't weird enough, there's also a ZOMBIE Santa brain tree ornament. And so much more.

1 Evil Elf Figure 2 The Voodoo Santa 

3 Zombie Santa's Brain Ornament 

4 Zombie X-Mas Song Greeting Card

6. And finally... uuhhh...these.

1. Christmas Nymph? Decoration? I guess?

2. "spider jerusalem inspired costume sunglasses" (even the name is in the wtf category)

Happy shopping...or maybe not?

Painting A Candy Cane Forest

Here's a pretty pretty painting to look at while I'm away. Enjoy!

Buy it here.

Urban Outfitters Ruined My Christmas

Just a quick note to let everybody know that I HATE Urban Outfitters
and they ruined my Christmas.

Here's what happened:

I ordered something for Ryan through their website. The item was listed as in stock. I also ordered two smaller items for his kids at the same time. Minutes after I clicked the "place order" button, I received an email saying that my order of three items had been placed, and would be sent out within two weeks, which was perfect timing for the package to arrive just before I went away on holidays. I was set.

Well...the package arrived yesterday. With the kids' stuff in it. But not Ryan's present.

I looked at the bill. It named all three items, but beside Ryan's gift it didn't have a quantity listed, whereas beside each of the kids' presents there was a 1.

I checked the website, and the item was still listed as "in stock". So I called their help line. The lady was very matter-of-fact and told me that they were out-of-stock, would never be getting more of the stock, and I shouldn't be angry because they never charged me for anything to do with Ryan's present. (I checked my credit card statement, and that was true.) My order had been canceled.

I asked when my order had been canceled, and she said it would probably have been immediately after I placed the order.

Yeah, okay, fair enough...except I received no notification at all that said anything had been canceled, or that I ordered something that was out of stock. So um, merry Christmas Ryan, you get NOTHING. And I literally found out the day before I take off for two weeks. It's like finding out on Christmas Eve that your present for a loved one isn't coming. I feel awful.

I put a lot of thought into this gift, and was feeling good about my planning and how I had everything ready for me to go away; bills all paid, all hotels and rides booked, Christmas presents bought...etc.

This totally threw me for a loop...I cried. Ryan went onto their facebook site to tell their "fans" about this b.s. and first of all he had to become a fan to write anything which he obviously didn't want to do, and secondly, the post he wrote went somewhere not on their wall...to the "other things" section or something.

So here I go, leaving town, leaving Ryan here to have Christmas without me...and he doesn't get any present from me.  

Fuck you very much Urban Outfitters.  

You suck.

x-mas sweater t-shirts

WANT!

You can find these HERE. 

I'll be your best friend if you get me one. For realzies. BFFs.
Think about it.

Seriously, who names candy "chicken bones"?

Due to a funny chain of events, Ryan and I 

ended up at WalMart yesterday. 

Let's just say that nobody sells Dickies except 

WalMart. Trust me, we looked.  

What's a dickie you ask? It's like...a faux turtleneck. 

I can't tell you whether or not we found one, 

it's a surprise for a later date.

You know what other image came up 

when I searched "Dickie"? 

This:

AMAZING.

Anyway, they sure do sell a lot of ... interesting stuff at Walmart. 

I'll show you a few of the things I deemed worthy of a photograph. 

Exhibit A: target practice cubes for children 

in the toy section!

Exhibit B: Opened decapitated chocolate Woodys.

Exhibit C: Uhm...chicken bones. (?)

As we were laughing at this, some lady came

over and told us these were her favorite candies. 

Dickie image 1 from here.

Dickie image 2 from here.

Mysterious business cards.

Well I won't tell you that I ate hallucinogenic mushrooms or anything like that, but I was offered a big sackful the other night and maybe or maybe not 'just a pinch' of them landed in my mouth but I don't think so. Actually, seeing as this is the internet and everything, I can definitely tell you that nothing like that didn't not maybe un-happen.

But if they did, it wouldn't have been very much at all. Like an hour later my friend would have asked me something like "Are you feeling anything?" And I might have replied "Mm, I don't think so. Everything's a little wavy but....oh, wait. Yeah. A little."

What definitely happened was my friend's birthday party on a rooftop.

And then my other friend from far away was in town.

And then she was staying at another friend's house who lives near where the rooftop in question is located.

And then they came to the birthday party.

And then I slept on a futon with the farawayfriend at the other friend's house.

And there was a guy doing yoga in the middle of a house party who later tried to tell us that he was going to make a pickle/ice cream/yogurt smoothie while we were sleeping.

And stories were being told about castrating calves with your mouth. True stories. That my friend was telling. And I can verify them because I have a dvd that she sent me in the mail of such an event. Complete with music videos. Very professional.

And the next day I was working but then my friendfromfaraway came by and got a tattoo for her mom from my best boss and good times were had by all.

The end.



...

Where am I going with all of this? Oh, right. So yeah I was out for breakfast with my friends yesterday and one of them whipped out these teeny weeny cute half-sized business cards.

"I have these moo cards," she said.

We were like "Whaaaat?"

They're business cards, but you can personalize the crap out of them. And they're small. And they're inexpensive. And cute.

So obviously I rushed home after work today and used the Google to see exactly what a 'moo' card is. And then I ordered a hundred. Because clearly I NEED BUSINESS CARDS. That just say my name. And e-mail address.

I figure that since I have no definable purpose for business cards it's best to keep them a mystery. I'll meet a random person on the street and be like "Here's my card" and they'll still be like "Huh? Who was that mysterious lady?" And I'll throw a smoke bomb between us and twirl my cape and then try to run away really fast so when the smoke clears I'm gone. There's nothing so embarrassing as throwing a smoke bomb to get away from someone and then realizing you have no immediate escape route and you know that they can see you running down the sidewalk ahead of them.

Take my word for it.

Yarr, there be somethin' goin' on with me brain todarrr

Scene: In the bedroom, I'm on the computer trying to find rhinestone covered single use cameras that will deliver to Canada. Ryan's sitting on the bed.

Me: Oh man, these cameras are so awesome. My luxurious day off is almost complete. (Looks into almost empty coffee cup pointedly.)

Ryan: I'll get you more coffee once mine is finished.

Me: Okay.

---ten minutes later---

Scene: Same exact place, same actions.

Me: Um, are you gonna get me a coffee or what?

Ryan: Are you kidding?

Me: What?

Ryan: I just got you more and you drank it all.

Me: No you didn't. See? (Shows him the empty mug.)

Ryan: Yeah I did.

Me: No. Definitely not.

Ryan: You seriously don't remember me leaving the room and coming back with more coffee? And then you said thank you and I talked about the breakfast I'm halfway through making because I was in the kitchen? And you said you didn't want any?\

Me: (laughing) No! You didn't do that!

Ryan: YES I DID!

Me: You're lying.



Um...he wasnt' lying. WTF?

Then he left me alone in the house with EBay all open and guess what happened.

This:

(click here to see it)

It's just a regular disposable camera with something a little camp about it. Anyway then the frenzy began. I'm such a fucking internet shopper-shark. My eyes roll back in my head and before you know it I've bought 6 cameras.

And it's all Ryan's fault.

YOU HEAR THAT RYAN? IT'S YOUR FAULT. SOMEHOW!

Anyway here's the rest:

1. It looks like a robot and takes three consecutive photos...

2. Um, kind of like the robot one only it takes four photos. They were sold together.


3. Smena...Russian camera from the Soviet Union era in the 70s. Rad, no?


4. These are disposables that apparently add ghosts to your pictures. I got two because um, yeah. How could I not?

So um...this is what I do when I start catching up on my bills? I guess? SPEND LIKE CRAZY. WOO, I'M A CONSUMER! AND A GIRL! OMG

I half feel like an idiot for buying stuff totally spur-of-the moment, you know? But then I'm like "Woah" and "YES" because those are excellent fun purchases. At least I'm not spending it on drugs? haha

Still...if any of you Americans find bedazzled frickin' single-use cameras that you can send me, I'll be eternally grateful. It just seems like something I really should have.

Maybe I have a problem...

I blame Ryan. He knows I'm not allowed to go into the Utopia store. Ever. I will sell my non-existent firstborn child for a good t-shirt and this place? Yeah. Full of them. The threadless brand shirts fit me perfectly and like every single one seems custom made with things I love printed all over them. And they knew I was coming yesterday.

Sure, we were there to find something for his kid. And only there for literally like four minutes. That didn't stop me from overpaying for a shirt with this on it:
Come on, it's so awesome. How could I not?

So um, yeah. Are there support groups for t-shirt lovers?

just what I needed, another place to buy t-shirts

Thanks, wordboner.com, for feeding my addiction. No, don't worry. I haven't made any purchases. Yet. Only because my visa is still healing from the ravaging it took at threadless.com last week.

*cough* where I bought four t-shirts *cough*

What? They were on sale.

Anyway...um...yeah. I LOVE T-SHIRTS.
The end.

skine my mole

Why do moleskines have such a lame hipstery douchebag pretentious reputation? Because gosh darn it I love them. Proof:

I bought all these on the Etsy yesterday.

And EEE! I can't wait to write all my meaningful poetry and important political musings down in them. Or just make endless to-do lists like I usually do. At least they'll be in style.

NEW SHOES!

(Yes those are pajama pants I'm wearing...at 2pm. It's my day off, don't judge!)
I guess these guys are going in the garbage tonight.